


In Flames

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-11 06:44:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: After Simon finds out he’s the humdrum and loses his magic, he is consumed by self-doubt. Luckily, Baz is by his side.





	In Flames

I can't remember the last time I felt cold like this. It's like there has been a fire burning inside of me, but now it's laying low, if it's even there at all. I can't feel it any more.

I had forgotten what it's like to be cold – maybe that's why Baz has always hated me so much. Maybe I just should have kept the fucking window closed. (I know that's not the reason, and that makes my skin go even colder.)

It's a special kind of dread, because it comes from my core. It won't just pass. It won't just go away. This is not just a nightmare that I can wake up from, or a monster that I can slay with my sword (I could, but I'm not suicidal) , or a problem I can solve with a spell (I was never able to solve problems with spells, I only caused further damage.)

Even though I am not looking at him, I feel Baz' presence beside me. I can tell he's looking at me, but I can't bring up the energy to look back. I feel like I don't deserve it.

“I'm a fraud,” I realize.

He waits for me to keep talking, and when I don't, he says: “What do you mean?”  
“People only liked me for my magic,” I whisper and press my chin to my knees. “It drew them in. I just tricked them into liking me. I'm – I'm a thief. That's all. A fraud.”  
“I never liked you for your magic.”  
“I _know_.”

I keep staring ahead of me. Turns out, Baz was right all along. Of course he was, the bloody tosser. He's too smart for his own good. I was wrong all along. Baz is the good guy, I was the bad guy, if good and bad guys exist. I should have listened to him.

“Simon,” he whispers back. “Listen to me.”  
I lift my head, and his eyes are grey, and I never wished more I was somebody else. I listen. He remains silent. We keep looking at each other. I want to take his face into my hands. (I don't have the energy to push the thought away.)

“Simon,” he repeats. Simon. Doesn't quite sound like the name for a super-villain. Funny how he stops calling me Snow _now_. Snow, the villain. Snowman, the villain. Ridiculous, but fitting for the joke of a person I am – I suppose, neither a villain, nor a hero – I am – nothing. Just a shell of Supposed-to-bes and Would-bes and Would-have-beens.

“Simon,” and every one of his words stabs me like a knife. _Now_ he calls me Simon. I think I don't deserve it now. He touches my arm. _Now_ he touches me softly. I don't think I deserve it now.

Baz is being kind to me, and maybe that is the kind of torture I deserve. Gosh, his eyes. I have never seen them so honest. 

“I never liked you for your magic,” he repeats, and I am made of snow. “I just liked you for everything else.”  
I stop breathing.

He freezes.

We look at each other, we don't move. We're both frozen. He must be lying, mustn't he? He must be trying to hurt me. And yet, I realize, there is still a small flame inside of me. Maybe I won't stay cold forever.

“Everything else?”

Baz closes his eyes and lets out the most helpless sigh.

“Snow,” he mutters. “Simon Snow.”

It doesn't sound like the name of a villain, or a hero. It sounds like a love spell.

“You're hopeless. I have never seen anyone more stubborn than you. You're a single chaos. You have absolutely no manners, you act before you think, you always get stupid ideas, and it's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”

“How?”  
“You're alive, Simon Snow.”  
 _ **Simon Snow**_ _._

“You are everything I'm not.”

“Exactly. I'm the fucking opposite to _perfect_.”

“You're more alive than I ever could be.”  
“Baz.”  
I want to cry.

“That was before you knew I was a monster.”  
He lets out a bitter laugh.

“I know a thing or two about being a monster, Snow. And you're not one of us. I assure you.”

“You're not a monster!”  
“I need to suck rats to stay alive. You always smell like something I want to eat to me. I'm a vampire. I'm a monster by definition.”  
“And I'm the insidious humdrum.”  
“Nobody's perfect.”  
“I guess we're both not.”  
I allow myself the most careful smile. He smiles back.

“I just meant to say, Simon Snow, if you can't love yourself, then I'll do it for you.”

“Baz,” I whisper, my mouth dry. “You... You'll...”

“I love you,” he whispers, and his eyes are closed, like he doesn't want to look at me.

“Ba-”  
“No,” he interrupts me. “Don't say anything. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. That's all.”  
Tears are running down his cheeks. I can feel the fire inside of my growing bigger.

“I just want you to know. Because I can't stand to see you like this.”  
“You never cared before.”  
“Because you used to be indestructible. Nothing was able to hurt you. But I'm afraid you're hurting now.”

“Baz -”  
“Don't. I'll do it all for you. Until you can do it yourself.”

“Basilton Pitch,” I say it like a spell. I take his face in my hands. His skin is too soft for someone whose face is made of edges. I tilt his head towards mine. He lets me.

“Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch,” I say, and almost feel like I can still cast spells.

I kiss him, because I want to – Crowley, I want to – and I think I deserve it. I don't feel cold any more.

I'm standing in flames.

 


End file.
